The Nevolution manifesto

To date, I’ve successfully sown the seeds of the Nevolution into the minds of quite a few people. After the lessons learnt from the Honduras experiment, I will install a cooperative dictatorship in the near future. I’ve been busy working away on some finer points while I’m waiting for word to spread and general acceptance of my ideas. I’m still working on the minutiae of my education, healthcare and taxation proposals for example so, for now, here is a non-exhaustive list of general misdemeanours.

Thanks to recent advances in technology the punishment of choice will be the taser. Taserings will be administered for the following offences:

15. Queuing perpendicular to the pavement (at an ATM for example) and thus blocking the way. In fact, lines will be painted to indicate the proper area for queuing in much the same way that lines will be painted around all airport baggage carousels.

14. Pressing the button at a pelican crossing that has already been pressed and is lit will give an electric shock. Eventually everyone will realise that repeated pressing makes no difference as to how long you have to wait to cross and at busy intersections the sequence is timed. There will also be lines painted to demark the two sides crossing to put an end to the sidewaltz.

13. Motorists, failure to indicate will lead to a tasering. Those little orange lights are not merely for decoration. Your vehicle will also be subject to a light bazooka-ing.

12. Begging next to cash machines. Also, smoking when begging will merit additional punishment. If you are so short of money that you need to beg, stopping with the cigarettes should be an obvious way to cut back on your outgoings.

11. Using ‘oh’ instead of ‘zero’.

10. Wandering out of your allotted pedestrian speed lane. There will be three lanes: a lane for the elderly and window shoppers, one for normal walking speed and an express lane for people who want to actually get somewhere.

9. Asking for “a sandwich” in Subway.

8. Leaving tea bags in the sink.

7. Having an umbrella up when it is no longer raining. The only accepted umbrella in the post-Nevolution era will be the polite umbrella.

6. Spitting.

5. Not cleaning up after your dog. All dogs will be microchipped and have their DNA registered so you will be found and punished should you not clean up. Also, horse riders will be required to shovel up if their mounts crap in the street.

4. Cycling on pavements, jumping red lights, riding with no helmet or lights at night. Your innertubes will also be punctured just to be sure that you’ve learnt your lesson. You might not think so but the Highway Code does in fact apply to you. Bicycles will be fitted with license plates or RFID tag so that offenders can be traced and retrospectively tased.

3. Littering. Smokers, this especially applies to you and your butts.

2. Use of the phrases “Needless to say”, “Can I ask you a question”, “Going forward” or “At the end of the day”. A thorough tasering will also be applied for the emphatic use of the word “literally”.

1. Generally pissing me off.

There will be a sliding scale of length and intensity of the tasering depending on the seriousness of the offence, your history, age and my general mood. For example, anyone who attacks the emergency services or healthcare professionals will be subject to a sustained and prolonged tasering. Of the gooch.

More serious crimes will obviously lead to imprisonment. Complaining about the conditions of your internment and any violation of your civil rights (overcrowding or slopping out for example) will not be tolerated and will result in a tasering.

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2 thoughts on “The Nevolution manifesto”

  1. I have to disagree with #11 – I have no evidence to back it up but is this not an americanism of some description? I would also like to add tasering for the use of such americanisms in general…for example: “most winningest” and “medaling” being top of the list. Also commentary (usually football) on describing blindingly obvious things that you can see…oh and David Pleat…just for fun!

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